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Babs

EXPECTATIONS, depicts the struggle between what we desire for ourselves and our familial obligations. This is personified by Chris and Matt Taylor, identical twins, who are trying to win their overbearing father’s approval and acquire their trust funds. Their best friend and roommate, Aiden O’Boyle, left his family behind in Ireland to pursue a career in dance.

Chris: Matt has lost it. No, seriously, whatever semblance of sanity he had left is gone. The reason I’m so sure?

Babs. The blonde girl he brought home last night. I guess he went out after Aiden and I went to bed. This girl, I swear God pushing no more than 18, no matter what Matt says, came out of his room, presumably to use the bathroom as I was waiting in the kitchen for Aiden. She was wearing one of his shirts buttoned in about two places. 

“Matt?”  She asked looking between me and his closed door. People have been mixing us up our whole life, no big deal. How she thought he got from his room to fully dressed in the kitchen is anyone’s guess.

“No, I’m his twin, Chris.” I answered taking a deep breath.

“Oh, you guys look so much alike.” The blonde said with a giggle. “I’m Babs.”

Babs. Well her name certainly fit her. Giggling at five o’clock in the morning was a definite no. After another deep breath, I forced a smile. “Nice to meet you.” My attention was drawn to Aiden coming down the stairs. I was glad on many levels, not the least of which was this exchange would have to come to a close quickly. “Aiden, this is Babs.”

“Good morning.” He said smiling more for me than for her, but I doubt she could tell.

“Oh, good morning. You don’t look like them. I thought they were the same person. Did you ever notice how much they look alike?” She answered and then giggled. Again.

“That happens with identical twins.” Oh good, he was taking over the talking. Left me to laugh into my coffee.

“But why don’t you look like them?”

“I’m not their brother.” This he and I were both grateful for.

She stood there looking a nice mixture of confused and amused, trying hard to figure the whole situation out when Matt threw on a pair of pants and came to claim her. “Babs, I see you met Chris and Aiden, my roommates.” Was that a smirk he gave me? Is he proud of this?

“They said you were twins, not roommates.”

I looked between her and Matt unable to conceive of a response. Thankfully, Aiden said we had to go. When we left the loft I didn’t know if I should be laughing or crying.

 

Wrong

EXPECTATIONS, depicts the struggle between what we desire for ourselves and our familial obligations. This is personified by Chris and Matt Taylor, identical twins, who are trying to win their overbearing father’s approval and acquire their trust funds. Their best friend and roommate, Aiden O’Boyle, left his family behind in Ireland to pursue a career in dance.

Matt: I smiled when I got home from my meeting and heard Chris and Aiden upstairs. Chris never had a talent for being quiet when he was with someone. Just his ever present enthusiasm. An admirable quality, really.

  Chris probably assumed I’d be out a while longer anyway. So, I certainly didn’t blame him. I shook my head and turned on the TV while cracking open a beer. No use checking the time, I was sitting down, no reason not to be drinking. Between the television and the alcohol it should’ve been easy to drown out the six wasted hours spent working today.  Sorry, wasn’t working for six hours, there six hours working maybe two. Maybe. The rest of the time was spent listening to the team complain about…never mind it doesn’t matter. I stopped caring. Not true. I never cared.

Damn, is the bottle empty already? As I retrieved another and approached the couch again I heard the door open upstairs. Chris and Aiden could’ve been silent and the look on their faces would’ve been enough to know something happened. The looks they gave each other were reminders of what I didn’t have. No one looked at me like that in a long time.

 Couldn’t even concentrate on cooking. Partly because Chris started talking about work the second Aiden left the room. I responded by bring up our father, to distract Chris and make him realize he wasn’t going away. That only prompted him to bring up work again. So, I drank another beer.

He interoperated my agitation as a reaction to his new relationship. I don’t know how he could’ve gotten it so wrong. He never gets me so wrong. When Aiden came back and they exchanged a smile. I knew. They were connecting and I was losing the only stable relationship in my life.

Bar. I decided before I had a chance to give it too much thought. Alcohol and women. Where could I go wrong?

Scars

EXPECTATIONS, depicts the struggle between what we desire for ourselves and our familial obligations. This is personified by Chris and Matt Taylor, identical twins, who are trying to win their overbearing father’s approval and acquire their trust funds. Their best friend and roommate, Aiden O’Boyle, left his family behind in Ireland to pursue a career in dance.

Chris: I was exactly where I wanted to be. Feeling what I imagined I’d feel. No, that’s not true. I couldn’t imagine this feeling if I wanted to. As I lay in Aiden’s arms, our breathing slowing and synchronizing, there was a sense of calm, peace really, that I’d never experienced before.

When I told him I loved him, it was the most terrifying moment of my life. But when he said it back it didn’t seem…real. That is, until he held me again. And then I knew for sure. It was more natural than anything I’d ever known. That’s why I didn’t feel the need to fill the silence afterward. Nothing we could say would top those words.

As I ran my hands over Aiden’s skin, my head resting on his chest, I felt his heartbeat quicken as I approached his legs. He drew an abrupt breath in, as if to stop me, but didn’t. Didn’t move.  Then I saw what made his heart race. The scar. It was at least five inches vertically and three across.

When I asked him what happened, there was a moment of pause before he told me. In that moment, I saw fear, hesitancy, and perhaps a lie forming. He didn’t lie. I held him as he cried through the story. His father caught him dancing, and tried to break his leg.

In a way, I guess the scars of our pasts affect all of us. I got a split lip, once. Aiden survived so much more...

What was I afraid of now? What could happen to me?

As I held him, I knew it was't worth worrying about.

Wall

EXPECTATIONS, depicts the struggle between what we desire for ourselves and our familial obligations. This is personified by Chris and Matt Taylor, identical twins, who are trying to win their overbearing father’s approval and acquire their trust funds. Their best friend and roommate, Aiden O’Boyle, left his family behind in Ireland to pursue a career in dance.

Aiden: I’m so late with this. Sorry. A lot has happened in the last week. Things I never would’ve expected. I was awake practically the whole night after the beach. I couldn’t get that girl out of my mind. I started thinking of her and I couldn’t stop. There’s no rational reason behind this. It’s just…happening. But she disappeared from our sight. I started wondering where she went, who she was, and most of all, why I did I care? That’s what I really wanted to know. Why was I losing sleep over this girl? I couldn’t say this to anyone else. They’d all think I was crazy. I’m starting to wonder myself.

            Just because I couldn’t talk about this doesn’t mean I was willing to be alone the next day. Maybe I was at once suffering and thriving from lack of sleep. No even I don’t understand what I’m talking about. I spent seven years building a wall to keep me safe. In one day it came crashing down.

I could’ve called any one of my students to come to the studio and rehearse that day. Not like they don’t need it. But I didn’t call them. I woke Chris up. If all I wanted to do was teach, I’d have been better off starting with basics, which I did, but things changed quickly. Very quickly.

I had a feeling when he walked in the other morning for the first class that eventually I’d lose all my secrets, maybe even my need them. In that one day, I lost the security of a wall that was protecting me from…I don’t even know what at this point.

All it took to make that wall come crashing down was one touch. Kind of a crappy wall, huh?

Bad News

EXPECTATIONS, depicts the struggle between what we desire for ourselves and our familial obligations. This is personified by Chris and Matt Taylor, identical twins, who are trying to win their overbearing father’s approval and acquire their trust funds. Their best friend and roommate, Aiden O’Boyle, left his family behind in Ireland to pursue a career in dance.

Matt: Exactly one person pulls me out of my self-pity. Chris. It doesn’t happen all the time, or even as much as it should. I’ve been lost in myself lately, but something he said today jolted me back. Noah brought him to a dance class. Let me clarify, Noah. He could go to all the dance classes he wanted.  But Noah… bad news. He made my optimistic brother fearful, cautious.

My father gave Chris a split lip the summer of our senior year in high school.  I swear that made him more likely to defy. I was more afraid than he was after that. We left, at Chris’s discretion. He’s the one more likely to challenge our Dad, who I make no secret of the fact that I’m afraid of.

Brave. Happy. That’s Chris. Except when Noah’s around. For a few months, Chris was withdrawn, nervous, and not sleeping right. I attributed it to finals and waiting for his acceptance to grad school. Then, over Christmas I noticed him taking more pain pills than before. That was easy because he didn’t take them at all. Tried talking to him, wouldn’t budge. Never had this been as issue. Chris talked way more than I did. He loved to tell me about his love life, or lack of it. But Ally’s not the point here.

This secrecy went on for…nine months, at least. He accused me of prying when I asked him who he was seeing. Prying wasn’t even in vocabulary before this. A mutual friend said it was some guy.

I didn’t care. Knew that anyway. I cared that whoever it was, was hurting my brother. I didn’t know the extent until I saw Chris’s bare back. Suddenly, it all made sense. The long sleeves, the pants in the summer. Pains I had that weren’t mine.

The only thing that kept Noah from being hurt was Chris’s promise to break it off. And now he’s back. I don’t care that he’s ‘just a friend’. You can't be friends with an ex and you shouldn't try with an abusive ex. 

Damn it.

The only solace I find is way Chris looked at Aiden.  We’ll see.

Questions

EXPECTATIONS, depicts the struggle between what we desire for ourselves and our familial obligations. This is personified by Chris and Matt Taylor, identical twins, who are trying to win their overbearing father’s approval and acquire their trust funds. Their best friend and roommate, Aiden O’Boyle, left his family behind in Ireland to pursue a career in dance.

Aiden: Some things were made clear to me today. Other questions were raised. When Chris showed up at my studio for my early morning dance class I was at once dismayed and thrilled. We quibbled over his inability to drink coffee in the studio, but then he relaxed and I saw the kind of emotion in him no amount of training would cultivate. He let go of his hesitancy and I had a…need to have him in the performance class. Need is a strong word, I know. That’s how it felt. He volunteered with an eagerness I wasn’t expecting from him. I couldn’t have been happier with his enthusiasm.

Noah was less thrilled. I didn’t understand his problem until after class. Turns out, they’d dated for quite some time. Chris explained to me that his trust fund was contingent upon certain rules being followed. The impression I get of their father is such a relationship wouldn’t go over too well. That seemed to be the least of the reasons they split, but it was the only one Chris would offer. He was searching for something from me. I don’t know what it was. All day, he wanted me to say or do something. I just couldn’t figure out what it was. Was he looking for my approval? That made less sense than the fear he has of his father. All I know is he’s looking for something he thinks I can give him. I wonder if I can…or should.

After class Chris, Matt and I ventured out to Long Island to the beach. He’s flirting with being out of control and everyone knows it, probably even him. Well, to be honest, he’s flirting with everything that moves. He’s forcing himself to be unhappy. So many people do it and I cant understand why.

In the process of helping Matt find his next, whatever he calls the women he goes home with, Chris pointed out a young girl with dark hair and the saddest expression I’d ever seen. Without a doubt, she was one of the prettiest girls there, but I wasn’t attracted to her so much as I felt oddly…protective. I know it’s crazy. Why would I be protective of a girl I didn’t know? Thing is, I felt like I did. As I was trying to figure out from where, she disappeared. Didn’t walk away. Just ceased being there. Strangest thing. If Matt and Chris hadn’t seen her, I’d swear I imagined her.

Leaves me with two questions: What damage would chasing their trust funds bring the twins and Who is that girl?

Neither of which I yet have answers for. Not sure how much I want to know the answer to either....

Is it always better to know answers, or is there a comfort in pending questions? Please share your thoughts

Hide

EXPECTATIONS, depicts the struggle between what we desire for ourselves and our familial obligations. This is personified by Chris and Matt Taylor, identical twins, who are trying to win their overbearing father’s approval and acquire their trust funds. Their best friend and roommate, Aiden O’Boyle, left his family behind in Ireland to pursue a career in dance.

Chris: It’s harder for Matt to live within the bounds of our required life than it is for me. I can hide in plain sight. He can’t. It would be all too easy for our father to know if Matt wasn’t doing what he was supposed to do, namely, go to work every day and perform above average. I’m convinced he has spies in the company where Matt works. He just has too much information to only know what Matt tells him. No, I have no proof of this, but something doesn’t feel right.

We rarely talk to him. Yet, he knew that Matt was late once in the last month. Never mind the fact that he should’ve stayed home completely. He had a nasty flu. Interestingly, the only weekend Matt didn’t have alcohol my father accuses him of being too hung over to get to work. I’m not sure what’s sadder, the fact that every perceived mistake on his part is blown to life and death proportions, or the fact that Matt takes it to heart. He takes it to heart and then he goes to the bottle for comfort.

He thinks I don’t know how much he’s drinking, or that he’s never home until the early hours of the morning and sometimes not at all on weekends. Why he thinks I don’t notice is beyond any comprehension. It’s hard enough to keep secrets from people you live with, much less a twin. That’s damn near impossible. I 

desperately

 want to believe he’s in control, but it’s getting harder. I rarely see him without a beer in his hands, actually lately I rarely see him at all. That’s what worries me most of all, the fact that he’s hiding- from me.

However, right now, he’s claiming normalcy. He wants to pretend everything’s fine. So, I’ll play along. We’ll go to the beach with Aiden.  Aiden’s not doing such a great job pretending everything normal with Matt. He seems…I don’t know…scared. That, I can't understand

Aiden knows I’m gay. I told him when he asked how I knew Noah. And he didn’t react. At all. We got into a philosophical discussion about families and what would make someone give them up. I said love, he said passion… and then we got home. What am I supposed to do with that?

You know, I may have to hide in plain sight, but I still have to hide.

Forget

EXPECTATIONS, depicts the struggle between what we desire for ourselves and our familial obligations. This is personified by Chris and Matt Taylor, identical twins, who are trying to win their overbearing father’s approval and acquire their trust funds. Their best friend and roommate, Aiden O’Boyle, left his family behind in Ireland to pursue a career in dance.

Matt: I know, alright? I know I was supposed to do this yesterday…or was it the day before yesterday? Maybe…I don’t know. I’ve got too much going on. I mean, between the five hour meetings where nothing gets accomplished and the client presentation, where’s the time for anything else? No, really, if you know please tell me. Cuz I sure as hell don’t.

 I never thought I could hate anything as much as I hate this damn job. The soul sucking hours spent with caricatures of humans talking about how to manipulate other caricatures. To buy things they don’t need, eat things that the society later punishes. Then, we sell them on the miraculous diet program. So no one ever has to think for themselves again.

Of course, I’m the model employee. I put on my black suit and tie every morning, arrive on time and stay late. My MBA and last name put me a step above the rest of the recent grads. Skipped right past the entry level positions. That’s amazing, I’m told. Advancing quickly. A natural, they say. Doing everything right. 

Figured it all out. You get money based upon how much you’re willing to sell your soul. Very few business men live below the poverty line.

 Biggest goal?  Out of all this success? To forget. Forget what I do to make money. I can’t say what I do for a living. This isn’t living.

 I don’t know what I was expecting. To like it? To care? My dad would say caring is beside the point.

So, forgetting it is. It’s 7pm. Still have some decisions to make. Bar or home? Jack or Bud? Couple hours, I’ll have forgotten all about it. Then, I'll get up tomorrow and it again.

Chance

EXPECTATIONS, depicts the struggle between what we desire for ourselves and our familial obligations. This is personified by Chris and Matt Taylor, identical twins, who are trying to win their overbearing father’s approval and acquire their trust funds. Their best friend and roommate, Aiden O’Boyle, left his family behind in Ireland to pursue a career in dance.

Chris: I almost didn’t answer the phone when Noah’s number flashed. It wasn’t a good time, as I was in the middle of cooking dinner and trying to sort out my feelings for Aiden. In the seven years we’d known each other we’d never argued, until last night. More than likely, I was giving it more stress than it was worth, but I couldn’t stop thinking of it and I was up half the night. There’s always been something I couldn’t figure out about him. He said he wasn’t scared last night, but the fear was evident beneath the mask of anger.

I reached for the phone when it rang again and regretted it as soon as I heard his voice. I wasn’t in the best place to be talking with my ex-boyfriend. We’d promised to be friends and I wasn’t holding up my end of the deal very well. So, I’d agreed to try this dance class with him- at noon on a Friday. Not Saturday at 8AM. I finally relented to make him stop talking when I heard the door of the loft open and my heart race.

Aiden walked in and my eyes flicked to meet his. Calm, but troubled. We tried to make small talk about dinner, but the tension was suffocating. When I opened my mouth to broach the argument, he beat me to it. Yes, he admitted he was scared. I knew he lost his family a long time before. That was it. He was worried about losing his friends too. There were tears in his eyes that threatened to spill over.  I had no idea what secrets he could be keeping that would elicit this reaction. It didn’t matter. I didn’t have the words to tell him. Maybe there weren’t words.

 I wanted to hug away whatever was hurting him. It was on the long list of things I couldn’t do. If I took a chance on something like that and I was wrong, then I know for sure I’d lose his friendship for good. 

And yet as the subject changed after a weak reassurance, I felt empty inside. 

Rebellion

EXPECTATIONS, depicts the struggle between what we desire for ourselves and our familial obligations. This is personified by Chris and Matt Taylor, identical twins, who are trying to win their overbearing father,Robert, approval and acquire their trust funds. Their best friend and roommate, Aiden O’Boyle, left his family behind in Ireland to pursue a career in dance.

Robert:  My boys think I don’t know who they are. I do. All too well. I’m fully aware of their strengths and weaknesses.  That’s why I have been working for years to shape them into productive members of this family. They don’t like it. I know they want to rebel, but I won’t allow it.

 I spent decades building a life entirely different from my upbringing. My children had to continue it. They couldn’t do it without guidance. Their natures wouldn’t bring them to success. It has not been easy.  Matthew is highly intelligent, but unsure. He hasn’t ever enjoyed the business, but he still goes around expecting to. Business is not for one to enjoy. It’s to make money. He’ll learn. Already, he understands the power of money and he submits to it. Usually.

 The same cannot be said for Christopher. He’s competent enough when he cares to try. That’s it though. He has to care about whatever it is he’s doing and that’s not how life works. I often call him soft. By that, I mean, he’s overly emotional, caring. Unfortunately, he’s not submissive. You would think if I was plagued with a soft hearted son, at least he’d be more cautious. Not so. He’s the one most likely to defy me. He’s still under the impression he can survive without me. That opens the door for family ruin. It’s unacceptable to chance such a thing on childish whims.

For years I worried one day Christopher’s rebellious nature would rub off on his brother. I tried to separate them at the beginning of high school, but then they were both useless to me. No school work, no sports. There was only one other option. It became necessary to make sure they both knew rebellion would be far more painful than compliance. Most parents hit their children when they’re toddlers. I never once hit either of them, until they were 17. It wasn’t planned. I lost control, something I never do. Christopher and I were fighting about the fact that he broadcast his latest escapade for the whole world to see. It was inexcusable. My fist was pounding against his face before either of us could realize what happened. Neither of them expected it from me. Hell, I didn’t expect it from myself. It did the trick though.

They're close, but different. So, I gave them different purposes. Matthew I could mold. He listened when I taught him to run the business. So, that would be his responsibility. He’d manage as I instructed, as I’d been doing for a quarter of a decade. If he avoided his brother’s influence, in a few years time he could be where I am.

Neither of us will live forever. That’s where his brother would come in. Christopher would get married and have a son. Maybe put that damn soft side to some good use. Matthew would have a great deal of influence over the boy, seeing as the twins can’t stand to be apart. It’s perfect. With his personality, finding a wife shouldn’t be an issue.

The plan ensures the business empire will stay in the family for generations. What could go wrong?